Things I Wish I Could Tell my Mom '25

Where did we leave off? Well, my list ended in October.  Commemorating my first year without you. Is commemorating the right word to use? It feels weird.

I ran 50+ miles on October 12, and three days later, it was one full year.  And here we are today, two years. It's funny because before you died, I was fortunate not to have experienced a loss like this. And in my mind, I had ideas of how grief would be and how things would feel when I "finally" did. I thought the anniversary would be horrible, and I say this lovingly — it's not. Of course, it is a milestone; a stark reminder that you are not here, that you [physically] left this world on October 15, but I didn't wake up overly sad today. (That's because I'm always sad). I've learned it's not the anniversary date that gets you, but the little moments that sneak up on you unexpectedly.

They don’t lie when they say time flies. I can’t believe it’s been two years, and yet, at the same time, I'm fine with this type of time flying by.  Two years later, I've yet to come to peace with living in a world where you no longer physically exist, and each day that passes brings me further away from a world I lived in with you. I have no concept of time anymore.  I have always had such a sharp memory, so good at remembering the little details, but this hazy cloud of grief I’ve existed in for two years now makes everything feel fuzzy. But as Vonnegut said, "And so it goes". Here's another year of things I've wanted to tell you.

November:

1. Stef had a baby. My Stefanie. My childhood best friend.  Her name is Millie May, and Stef tells me that you frequently visit and send signs.  Millie is absolutely precious, and you would adore her. Please keep sending them signs. 

2. Susie and Martin's Dad died.  I’m heartbroken that I understand everything they feel, and I am so happy that I can be there for them in a way that people who haven’t experienced this type of loss don’t get. Andrew attended his funeral because I was on a store opening project. He learned a lot about religion during the ceremony. We all laugh, even though I know you're 100% shaking your head at the situation. It makes me laugh a little more, to be honest.

3. I got to open another store in Lehigh.

4. I had my last Black Friday at King of Prussia (for now), but I didn’t know it was my last when it was happening.  It's funny how you never know when something is your last.

December:

1. I ordered sushi, cracked open a bottle of bubbles, and decorated my Barbie tree. 

2. Andrew got me my Barbie ornament for the year, and Caylin got me another type of Barbie ornament, which was incredibly special. It's custom and says my name on it. 

3. I hit 1,000+ miles for the year, again.

The first few months of this year were really hard for me, and when I think back on them, I think we would’ve argued.  (I don’t know if argue is the right word, though.)  I think you would’ve been very concerned for me, lovingly checking in to see how I was doing and if there was anything you could do for me.  I would’ve been annoyed, which is why I initially said we would argue. But as I struggle with the “what if” [you were here], what you would be doing… I’m realizing, would I have even had that hard of a start to 2025 if you were still here?

January:

1. Andrew and I started a fun tradition called Pizza Tuesday.  We either use our cast iron skillet or, when the weather is warm, we use the pizza oven I got him for Christmas.
   

February:

1. I hosted a Galentine’s Day party, but it’s not the party I want to talk about  — it’s my friends.  I am so fortunate to be surrounded by the women that I am, and you would really love them.  You’ve met a lot of them — Susie, Caylin, Amanda, and my new friend Kiersten. I want you to know that I'm surrounded by a lot of people who care about me and check on me frequently.  They get me through the tougher days, and I couldn’t do this without them.

2. The Eagles won the Super Bowl — I really can’t believe I’m typing that out because I don’t care, but you know Jenny has taken on this new Philadelphia sports fan personality, so she was thrilled over it.  For what it’s worth, I did watch the game, and it was exciting, but not enough to convert me to a full-time fan.

March:

1. Erika came home in March, and Megan threw her Everything Green Party.  

2. We went wedding dress shopping with Caylin, where she had found what we thought would be her dress!  It was a special afternoon spent with her, her mom, me, and Kiersten.  Afterwards, we went out to dinner in Phoenixville with our significant others and celebrated. She ended up finding a different dress in April. Regardless, she's going to be a stunning bride, and I can't wait to tell you about it.

April:

1. I started to feel like I was getting my spark back.

2. I took Andrew to the Harrisburg area as a surprise for his birthday to meet his family for lunch.  It was almost a surprise; he had no clue what was happening, but he did notice their cars in the parking lot (figures). I also threw him a 36th birthday party.  I totally thought he was turning 35, so I sent out the wrong age on his invitation.  I had a Build Your Own Old Fashioned Bar, and I bought enough bourbon to last an apocalypse.

3. I got C+*id and it rocked me.  I was out for almost an entire week, and my fever was 103 at times. You would've called me every day, checking in. Andrew came out unscathed somehow. Jenny made us Easter dinner, though I couldn't taste any of it; it's the thought that counts.

4. After many years of saying, “I don’t want to be a Store Manager”, I became a Store Manager.  Toni moved to Florida, and I interviewed for the role at Upper Dublin... and got it.  It was incredibly special to get to return to that store — the first store I opened as my solo project last year.

May:

1. For Mother’s Day, I went for a run, and then Andrew and I got sushi with a bottle of white wine (remember, it tastes better with you). I wanted to do the activities we used to do together, to be reminded of the fun we always had. Anything that would make me feel close to you.  We got garlic broccoli (our favorite) and ordered so much sushi that they put it on a BOAT.  You know, I’ve always wanted to have a sushi boat, and let me tell you, it was incredible.  We toasted to you, ate our lunch, and spent the day walking around Phoenixville.  Later that day, Dad came over for dinner.  We had more wine and another toast. 

2. Megan graduated from her prestigious government program at Penn.  Dad, Jenny, and I attended her ceremony with Fiona. Fiona also graduated from Temple, and we threw them a joint graduation party. Jenny tried so hard for separate parties but Megan really wanted to focus on Fiona. She's a good mom.  

3. I started running again. I had planned to start sooner, in April, but got sick instead.  May was a low-mileage month as I felt everything out.

June:

1. I attended my friend Jimmy’s Global Running Day celebration at the Phoenixville track near me. It lasted four hours, and you could run as much as you want or as little.  I ended up doing about seven miles on the track that day (which is impressive, mentally, considering I was running in circles. Dad live-tracks my runs and called me later that day to say, "Were you bored?"

2. I got to have dinner with Gracie and Marie — Gracie celebrated her first year of marriage in May, and Marie has a daughter named Jules who is so stinking cute.

3. I vividly remember June 22 as the date I officially felt like my spark was back.

July:

1. We went to the lake for a few days. I ran, read books, and drank wine. It was here that I decided to sign up for a fall half-marathon. 

2. We ran a local race — the Blobfest 10k.  (I turned Andrew into a runner, finally, this year.) 

3. On July 31, I went to Asbury Park for the first time without you [in the summer].  I met my friends there, but I arrived first, sat on the beach, and had a good cry.  So much has changed in Asbury, but it still feels like the place where I’m closest to you.

These little dolls took the world by storm this past year.  I was very much against them. I thought they were stupid, and on one of my days off, I spent an hour too long scrolling on Instagram. Then I convinced myself I needed one.  The funnier thing is that I convinced Erika, Maddie, and Therein that we all needed them.  They’re called Labubus, and you would absolutely HATE them, which makes me laugh even more.  You would think they are demonic-looking, and I can see the face you’d make when we showed you them or brought them up in conversation.  If my family is reading this, it's the face you made during the bananas video Erika took years ago.  Anyway, we fell hard for the Labubus and started buying them — a lot, to Andrew's dismay. Erika got the one named Soymilk and bought her lots of clothes. She also got one for every member in her family.  She takes them on trips to Apple Park —yes, her job —and on family vacations, most recently to Yosemite.  She poses them and sends us pictures. Of everyone to become invested in these little dolls, I never would’ve guessed Erika would fall for it.  Andrew absolutely hates them, but they bring me so much joy.  Erika got one for Dad, but she hasn’t given it to him yet.  He’s also pretty invested in them but won't admit it.

August:

1. We celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary! 

2. I went to the University of Pittsburgh to open up a pop-up shop in their bookstore on campus.

3. I hit nine years at lululemon.

4. Andrew's best friend, Matt, finally got married — the peanut butter spoon guy.

5. I raced the Philly 10k, PR’ed my 10k time, and threw up as I crossed the finish line.  There are professional photos of it, and it’s hilarious.  Can you believe that in all my years of running, I never did that?!

September:

1. I went to an Oasis concert.  Like, Oasis.  The band I fell in love with back in 2001, when Megan went to Ireland.  Remember how I was that weird 5th grader blasting Oasis, U2, and Radiohead in my room, when all of my friends were obsessed with Britney Spears?  Oasis finally got back together and did like, six shows in the US.  Matt, Amanda, Andrew, and I went to the one in New Jersey.  I cried. It was one of the best nights of my life and one of, if not the best, concerts I’ve ever seen.

2. I finally got my labubu that Erika bought me.  Therein and Maddie had Dad over for dinner, and I came by after work.  Dad actually loves Maddie’s chicken cutlets, so she makes them for dinner for him a lot. It's so sweet how they take care of him.

3. I went to Vancouver for a big work conference.  It wasn’t as magical as I remember it being when Andrew and I went in 2017, but it was still cool to be there. I declared on our company goal wall that I will run my first 100-mile race in October 2026. I know you're vigorously shaking your head up there, like Caiti, why? It's important to me to know that I can do this. It's my way of choosing my hard. And even though you don't get my love for endurance running, I can't wait to make you proud.

4. King of Prussia finally got a new store, a BIGGER, way more beautiful store.  I got to support the project. It's one for the resume.

5. I ran a half-marathon on September 21! 

6. We celebrated Dad’s 75th birthday and your wedding anniversary at my house.  Jenny made lasagna — I’m not sure why that’s her go-to meal, but it is delicious.  It was also Elton’s 6th birthday.  He’s turned into quite a naughty boy when it comes to being in the kitchen.

October:

1. I surprised Louie for her 8th birthday with not one but two labubus.  I drove to Ocean City after work and got to spend the night with Matt, Amanda, and their girls.  Birdie also turned two. She’s a wild child, but so precious. 

2. Andrew ran his first half-marathon.  In almost ten years of being together, he finally ran his first half-marathon.  He ran it with our friend Jimmy on a random Thursday morning before 8 AM. I thought he’d be one and done, but he said he wants to do another one (not more than 13.1 though... allegedly).

3. We hosted our annual pumpkin beer tasting party with Sean, Susie, and Martin. We all realized that we don’t actually like pumpkin beer.  We just love the time together.  The last time we hosted it was the day before you died  — weird.

4. Dad has his first legitimate cannoli, from Termini Bros. He has asked multiple times post consumption where we can get another one. He also quotes The Godfather every time we talk about the cannoli.

5. Most recently, we went to State College for the weekend to celebrate Andrew’s grandmother's 90th birthday!  Afterwards, we went to the lake for a few days.

6. Today, on October 15, Dad, Jenny, and Megan came over for dinner. We had your favorite red wine, and Jenny made meatloaf. I suggested sushi, knowing no one would actually oblige. It's okay, though. I plan on taking myself out for a sushi lunch this week with a bottle of white wine to enjoy some time alone with you.

Mom — Year two is done. Some days are harder than others, but I still try to show up. One of the greatest compliments I've received is "Your mom is proud of you" // "Your mom would be so proud of you". I live my life with that in my mind, wanting to keep making you proud. I don't know how to close this out, and really, it only feels right to end this the way I did last year. So. Mom, not a day goes by when I don't think of you or miss you. I love you "to the moon and back."