Philadelphia Distance Run - Recap

Never, in all my years of running, including the questionable distances I've run, have I woken up on the day of a race and thought to myself — "Should I do this?"

But wait, it gets worse.

Can I do this? — I can’t do this.

I should stay home. — Just fall back asleep.

No one would actually blame you with the work week you had...

What am I thinking?

What if I hurt myself? — Am I going to hurt myself?

I'm not a quitter.

Fuck.

Well, there’s a first time for everything. 

I woke my husband up at 5 AM, after lying in bed wide awake for 30 minutes, consumed by this internal, existential crisis in my mind. I let my thoughts rip. I told him I was scared, that this was the most unprepared and undertrained I had been for a race since I started running in 2016. That the fear wasn't necessarily due to being undertrained [because physically I know I can get through 13 miles], but what was really scary for me was what if I hurt myself? What if I made my back worse?

He talked me off the ledge very patiently, which I don’t think I properly thanked him for, for not losing his patience with me at 5 AM, and said the worst thing that happens is you pull out at mile 4.  You turn around and run back; it’s 8 miles on the day. If you reach mile 8 and aren’t feeling well, you go to a water station and are taken back to the finish. The point is, you are not going to cause this damage that you think you are to your body. It will take you longer to recover, and you will be sore, but you won’t hurt yourself. (Spoiler: he was right. Seems to always be.)

And so with that, I got dressed (quickly) because I was running behind schedule at this point, collected all of my stuff, and rushed out the door. I grabbed a bagel from Wawa and headed into Philly. 

I arrived around 6:30 and found parking.  I don’t want to admit that I pinned and re-pinned my bib on my shirt for close to 15 minutes, torn between wearing it across my chest or my leg. Another internal battle, this one of just wanting to look cool.  Because if I looked good, maybe this run would go better than I anticipated.  Ultimately, I ended up pinning the bib to my leg.  I headed to the start around 7:10 and got in line for the bathrooms.  With no expectations but just the hope of finishing, I stood in line for close to 30 minutes.  The race actually started while I was still in line, and on any other race morning, I would’ve been panicking. However, I wasn’t in a rush to start, as I was still fighting back nerves.  I ended up starting in the very last corral, but with the plan of just running for fun, I kept telling myself it was okay.

Mile 1 was a quick loop in the city before heading out onto Kelly Drive.  lululemon had a cheer station close to mile 2 (on the way back, it would be mile 12-ish), so I got to wave to a good number of people from my team, which made me happier than I realized it would.  Around mile 3, lululemon was also supporting the water station, and my friend Enjoli was there with a sign she made, featuring my teal hat. I was wearing my teal hat, but the sign was a reminder of all the hard things I have done and can do. I stopped, to Enj’s surprise, and talked with her and my former co-worker, Scott. At one point, she even said, “Wow, you really don’t give a shit about this race, huh?”.  I laughed, hugged her, and left her with my long-sleeve shirt, then carried on.  My coach (though we’re not working together right now) was at mile 5, and I was looking forward to seeing her.  I stopped and talked with her for a little, dropping my 100-mile [bomb] goal race next year, and then made my way to the East Falls Bridge, which would take me to MLK for a few miles.  The weather was overall good, but it was starting to get a little warm outside of the shade, and MLK Drive is, to be blunt, boring.  In any race I’ve ever done in Philly, I struggle on MLK (and Kelly, too — ironically).  I knew what this course was before signing up, though, and still chose to do it, so that’s on me.  MLK was miles 6-9, and again, it was boring.  I started to feel a little tired, letting self-doubt and negative talk creep in.  Cursing myself for not having trained better. But once I hit mile 9, I told myself, “You can do anything for 4 miles”.  I got back on Kelly, stopped again to talk to Kristy, and then continued making my way to the finish.

In the grand scheme of things, I’ve had worse days on Kelly Drive.  In 2023, when I ran the Philly Marathon, my hip flared up around mile 15, which is a really long time to be uncomfortable in a marathon.  And, a lot of the second half of the course is Kelly Drive.  So as I was running on Sunday, I reflected on how the last time I was here, how horrible I felt — physically, mentally, emotionally.  The Philly Marathon was 1 month and a few days after my Mom died, but I was too stubborn not to run it.  Running Kelly Drive on Sunday, though I was undertrained, felt better than it did in 2023.  It was therapeutic in a way and a reminder that things won’t always be bad.

A little bit before mile 12, I was met with more love from my friends.  Enjoli, Quoc, and Natalie were at the water station and joined me in running to the finish.  It was everything I didn’t know I needed and distracted me from the solo pity party I was about to have before they found me. They had me laughing and truly lifted me up when I needed it the most. I stopped at our cheer station to take a picture and then made my way to the finish.     I have been struggling with where I was at this time last year (training for my 50-miler) to now, having a hard time finishing 13.1 miles. I constantly have to remind myself that things won't always "be".

They won't always be the way they are (cliche, right?).

Things won't always feel the way they do.

I won't always have a hard time running 13 miles.

And while Sunday wasn’t my best time, it wasn’t my worst time.  I finished, and that was always goal number 1. And any day you can wake up and run a half-marathon is a damn good day. P.S.: I found out on Thursday that I got off the waitlist for the Philly half in November.

I'm really looking forward to 13.1 miles of redemption.